the week of giving thanks.

It's breathtaking to think of you

And to learn that sometimes the only way out is through

It's mindnumbing to think of yesterday,

I'd run to you now if I could but things have changed

[Chorus:]

(I heard you say)

it's enlightening

To think of the breeze

To believe in things that we can't see

(so here we go)

let's show them how to live

Accept the pain

Always forgive

Watch the sun go down

Learn the sound of following all that is complete

It's breathtaking to think of you

And to learn without faith the sky isn't as blue.

It's mindnumbing to think of yesterday

We'll look toward the stars and dream that we're airplanes

[Chorus x2]

Let's show them how to live

Accept the pain.

Always forgive

Watch the sun go down

Learn the sound of following.

All that's complete.

This song is so inspirational. Alot of songs are easy to relate to, to keep and hold on to a moment, but this one...this one melodic harmony seems like its applicable to a whole life. A whole journey.

i always swore to you id never fall apart.

so, not to be a mashocist, but my life is sucking right now. im numb to everything that would have gotten a reaction from me. my friends, my family, my. my. why is it so hard to say, even to think? my mind wont wrap around it, wont put into exsistence the thought of. of. of not being sure. of uncertainty. ive known what i wanted from day one. but, its not like the plan changed any. it just got. hard. more complicated. i wish i could blame someone other than myself. i wish i could point the finger at someone else's motives and say "its your fault, if you hadnt done this, we'd be fine now." but, its mine own fault. everything is my fault. everything. its irrevocable; how selfish ive been, living in my own fantasy world, where i command the planets to align. who was i to foolishly think that i would. that we. that. ah, it still wont happen. its like a road block in my psyche, even though i know the outcome; if i dont think about it, i pretend, it isnt happening. it wont happen. and thats the game i play. im playing. have played. and, it scares me. scares me that im a waste for him. that im wasting the best time for him to be. be. something hes not ready to be. i got a taste of something i hadnt had in so long. hadnt wanted, not at all. and now. now, the error is fixed, but it will forever leave its scar upon me. so, whats the plan? i never really know whats going on. i wish...i wish i could make things easier for him. but im growing numb. again. and it scares me. and i hate it. almost as much as i hate myself for letting this happen. oh, why do i do this? its always my fault. always. always. always my fault. and its not getting better. and its not going to be forgiving. its not like i deserve forgiveness. im a monster, a terrible demon that strips truth from lies and wraps them around myself like a warm cloak. and i will pay. have payed. am paying.

:::whats in my soul:::

Hahaha, besides MUSIC:D heeheeheee.
Well, just to giver her props, carly is awsomely amazing at dancing, LMAO. She's got moves! Right Nendell? hahahahaha. And she sure can pick hot guys! [barf on Chandy]
So yeah...life is crazy, isnt it? It just has this like, power to change at a moments notice... Like me asking my daddo to go clubbing LMAO. i almost had a panic attack! but yeah... Basically life is good right now. Im really pleased with myself for not giving in last night... I think David should be too, but he probably doesnt really give a shit. Although, Im still confused why he'd have a problem with me rooming with Wade at college. Wouldnt he want me to be staying with my bff and his bff? It beats like, strangers, lmao. I seriously need to figure out where Im going in this life... What do I want to do? Geezus. I know Im smart; So why cant I figure this out? Anything I like doesnt give me the necessity's this world demands...Geeze I love listening to Apocolyptica. Its so... relaxing. That probably stems from me going to see live orchestra's when I was little with my grandparents. I think they thought I was some sort of genius. Just because I could build shit and figure it out doesnt make me a genius. All their time was like...so wasted on me. Whatever, currently my ideal happiness is seeing myself into a nice little flat somewhere by a park where I can walk by mangy mutt and pretend to be too cool for school while I work my ass of being happy. I dont need money at all for happiness, but Im guessing that, if I dont go to school, I should get a job. Hmm...I wonder if starbucks will actually hire me...that'd be interesting. I feel like I have so much hidden potential... Like, I think I could have been amazing at piano or violin...I just never had the training....whatever. Ill just drown myself in music composed by others and books written by actuall novelists. bye bye golden opportunites.