so, not to be a mashocist, but my life is sucking right now. im numb to everything that would have gotten a reaction from me. my friends, my family, my. my. why is it so hard to say, even to think? my mind wont wrap around it, wont put into exsistence the thought of. of. of not being sure. of uncertainty. ive known what i wanted from day one. but, its not like the plan changed any. it just got. hard. more complicated. i wish i could blame someone other than myself. i wish i could point the finger at someone else's motives and say "its your fault, if you hadnt done this, we'd be fine now." but, its mine own fault. everything is my fault. everything. its irrevocable; how selfish ive been, living in my own fantasy world, where i command the planets to align. who was i to foolishly think that i would. that we. that. ah, it still wont happen. its like a road block in my psyche, even though i know the outcome; if i dont think about it, i pretend, it isnt happening. it wont happen. and thats the game i play. im playing. have played. and, it scares me. scares me that im a waste for him. that im wasting the best time for him to be. be. something hes not ready to be. i got a taste of something i hadnt had in so long. hadnt wanted, not at all. and now. now, the error is fixed, but it will forever leave its scar upon me. so, whats the plan? i never really know whats going on. i wish...i wish i could make things easier for him. but im growing numb. again. and it scares me. and i hate it. almost as much as i hate myself for letting this happen. oh, why do i do this? its always my fault. always. always. always my fault. and its not getting better. and its not going to be forgiving. its not like i deserve forgiveness. im a monster, a terrible demon that strips truth from lies and wraps them around myself like a warm cloak. and i will pay. have payed. am paying.
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