"Challenge."

86 more days till I leave.
28 more days till im 19.
14 more days till HP6 ( giant smile! )

So, I decided Im going to try to write a blog everyday of july. Since, it's muh faaayv month :) So yeah. LOL.

I really dont think that, since I dont have a computer 24/7, that it will really happen.

K, how about every other day? Yep. Sounds GRRRREAT!

Anyways, plans for the day, Thursday, July 2nd.
1) FINISH VOTECH!!! and eat BDAY cake ( its my teachers bday today. woot.)
2)Chillax in the hizzax ( lol ) Actually, chilling with the biffle doing grad party stuff for her ( her party is tomorrow)
3) going to Toledo with biff for her grad party outfit ( hopefully wont take too long :) )
4) pestering D about HP6 tickets, and finally, my personal favorite
5) SLEEP :)

I have been getting SUCH good sleep lately. I think its because Im in my own bed. Is it mean to say I just dont really feel like sleeping over anymore? At least, just giving it a break. Like a week or two. I just really love my bed. Im so comfty :)

And yes, the t in comfy was on purpose :D one of the many reasons I love D, lol.

So, I tried to send katvonD a message about a possible internship once Im out there.
They dont have emails accessable to the public.
So i'll have to like, fing call.
Which reminds me, I need to email my uncle.
oh jesus.
anyways, its not even 8:30 am. And im already up. and blogging. FML!

"Word of the Day: Yay."

So. Wednesday, July 1st. Officially 29 more days until Im 19.
87 more days until Chels and I leave for California.
And an unnumerable ammount of days await after that for me to miss David.
*sigh*
I feel somewhat sick.

Yesterday was kindof a bad day for me. I was running on barely any sleep (hadnt slept at my house in four days) and, after class and barely feeding myself, David tried to make me walk. Tried. And failed. We got a little over a 1/4 of a mile when my sluggish self convinced him that he didnt, actually, want to take a walk. Spotted Cow Icecream seemed to lure him away like that (snaps) but I really think it was me. I was so out of it. I think I was walking bareley five inches ever two seconds (which is slow, if you think about it) and so yeah. Last night I fell asleep abruptly around 7 in the evening. And woke slightly rested today at 6:45. Stayed in bed till 7:37, but woke up at 6:45. Sounds to me like Im almost back to having my annoying internal clock ways. Oh joy.

So Friday is my last day of votech! YAY! EXTREME YAY! JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND SCREAMING YAY! Well, I thik yay is pretty fitting, if I do say so myself.

So either last week or a few days ago ( my mind forgets, but Im pretty sure it was sometime last week) I wrote a really awesomly descriptive blog about feeling insane with all the different things going on in my head, and i was pretty damn proud of myself. Then, I push publish post. I get a fun little pop up saying that "Sorry, Blogger is experiencing some difficulties and could'nt post." Im like "ahh, thats okay, I saved it." Apparently the difficulties were involved with the saving process, and it was erased. My hour was crushed.

But today, its all "Save save save". So, yay for learning.

So the pic of me and David in this post is from Senior Trip. I just dont have a good recent pic of us,and I feel like there should be more about him in this post, since we've been having dates frequently lately and I just owe him credit for yesterday being so out of it, lol.

So yeah, he's basically,um, like totally amazing, lol.

The girl in front of me has the hiccups. Yay for embarrassment.

So yeah...really dont know what else to say today,except....


yay. :D

"this isnt really all there is; Is it?"

Today, I woke up. And I died.

I.am.so.freaking.tired.

Sheesh.

Anyways, Im supposedly working on a worksheet. But, I cant remember how to do it. And my voice isnt normally functioning untill 11. And it's 8:35 in the am.
God.
My life feels like an FML moment right now.

How sad, though, that I laugh at FML posts? I mean seriously, the sad ones I go "Aww, that sucks." Then, I laugh. It reminds me of Jacob saying "Life sucks. Then you die." It's so...I dont know. Disheartening in a way. And Im totally the only one typing in the whole class right now, obviously not doing my work. I should win the procrastination award. I think I kind of desereve it, ha ha.

Wow, my eye wont stop watering. I hate that.

I had a bagel for breakfast. It wasnt as fufilling as it made itself appear. Hmm.

P.S.
My iKea obsessed brain drugded up this amazing bedspread. Hopefully I get it in the future :D

white flag; oh your right.

i love that song, "white flag"...and whoever sings "Flightless Bird American Mouth" love love love it.

Anyways, its 12:10. I get out at 12:15. Im neatly going insane.

I started re-reading Stephen King's "The Stand" today, easily the best book I've ever read. And probably the deepest. Ahh, my childlike ways. Im happy with Spiderwick (lol, atleast the movie)

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be anything but how I am now. I think my problem is that I live in the moment too much. Like...I cant fathom the future. At all. It probably contibutes to my poor planning skills and that I have "no plan for my life". I mean, the basics are defined, roughly. Like, staying with David. Living with him forever. Having a dog. Thats it, basically, thats all I need/want from life. Everything else can do whatever it wants, while Im waiting on that. So, why plan?

David calls my move to California pointless. He says Im going to get out there and not have anyway back to save my butt once I realize nothing will be different, to sum it up. I dont see why. I mean, he may not my rough details for the future, but I do. I've known them forever.
Ah well, home beckons.

These word's encirle; Crushing.

"So go on, love,
Leave while there's still hope for escape.
You gotta take what you can these days;
There's so much ahead and,
So much regret.
I know what you wanna say,
I know what you wanna say,
I know it, but can't help feeling differently,
I loved you,
And I should have said it,
But tell me, just what has it ever meant?

I can't help it baby, this is who I am,
Am.
I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel,
Feel.
You kill me, you build me up,
But just to watch me break.
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just,
Can't walk,Away...."


"Oh, and i'm often false explaining
But to her it plays out all the same
and although i'm left defeated
It gets held against my name
i know you got plenty to offer baby
But I guess I've taken quite enough
well i'm some stain there on your bedsheet
You're my diamond in the rough"

"It's like I got a hole in my pocket
tryin' to keep you satisfied
It's like I gotta burn a million bridges
just to keep you by my side

Don't make waves in the water
if you mess around you'll drdown
it's not like I couldn't stop her
'cause a girl can't be tied down
and I'll say it again"

"I make the most of all the stress
I try to live without regrets
But I'm about to break a sweat
I'm freakin' out
It's like a poison in my brain
It's like a fog that blurs the scene
It's like a vine you cant untangle
I’m freakin' out"

"I'm tired of trying
Your teasing ain't enough
Fed up of biding your time
When I don't get nothing back
And for what, and for what, and for what
When I don't get nothing back
Boy I'm tired of trying
Your teasing ain't enough
Fed up of biding your time
When I don't get nothing back
And for what, and for what, and for what
When I don't get nothing back
Boy I'm tired"

" I start to melt
with your arms, round my waist
and your mouth, starts to spell
and the words, telling me, to fade"

"All I need is just an answer please
So I can show you what you mean to me
But you continue to cry
And I just don't know why "

"I can't stand another night
Stand another night without you

Since you've been away
Everythings don't seem like they used to be
Between you & me
Cause I'm missing you
I'm missing you, love"

...

"Im running in the rain
On a dark and cloudy day
Wondering if your here
What I have to say
I cant seem to slow down when i worry about you
And i'm running, i'm running to you

I wanna see you fall so i can help you up
catch you at the bottom push you back to the top
I cant seem to slow down when i worry about you
And i'm running, i'm running to you

Im running throught the music
Stepping on each note
im running through the pictures
playing everyones role
i running to the top
im to the bottom
And i'm running, i'm running to you

Running from the fear of not knowing where to go
from the question i dont ask and the answers i dont know im running
through myself and everybody else
And im running, running to you
so im running, im running to you

im running till this world becomes a better place
im running not to lose this human race
im know i can make it when im holding your hand
so im running, im running to you

Im running and im breathless but i have to go on
these steps are the beat and im sing this song
Hear it on the stereo where you are
and im running, running to you to you

im running from the past and from all my mistakes
im running and im sorry if I cant say in one place
no where i can go that can stop me from running
and im running, running to you to you

im running till this world becomes a better place
im running not to lose this human race
im know i can make it when im holding your hand
so im running, im running to you

Im running and im breathless but i have to go on
these steps are the beat and im sing this song
Hear it on the stereo where you are
and im running, running to you to you

im running from the past and from all my mistakes
im running and im sorry if I cant say in one place
no where i can go that can stop me from running
and im running, running to you to you "

Teusday? I thought it was Friday.

This boy, well, man actually, is the most important thing in my life. And I'm about to be seperated from him.

My dreams of bright beaches and always sunny weather have been on the backseat for a while. And now, with them finally being in the front seat, all I do is cry about not seeing David as much as now, which is minimum. How ridiculous is that?

And my arm hurts. Bad. I got a little over ambisoius (sp) with walking Moose last night, and well, since he's not the best trained dog in the world, he killed my right arm. I can hardly bend it. But it was worth it to see David, as well as Tina and Tut. They are such cuties. Too bad my dog is homosexual and wanted to take a ride on King Tut.

So my summer class is going...well, just going. It's over next week, and I couldnt be more glad. The teacher isnt necessarily mean, but she's just...she's someone who you know wasnt liked much as a child, lets put it that way. I cant stand her, but since I cant be mean to people I dont know, I'm always being called on and seem like the one attentive student. I get sympathetic glances, but no help from anyone. And she's really starting to grate on my nerves. GAH!

Anyways, I was listeing to Jimmy Eat World last night, and refound a favorite song of mine that had been long dormant. Which resulted in it as my banner, lol. But yeah, thats mostly how the last two days have gone. Its a Teusday, which doesnt mean much, but I could have sworn yesterday was thursday. This class is messing with my mentality.

For the Love of California.

So Im sitting here on my second day in my online class at our local vo-tech center, and two thoughts are on my mind; 1) Im so incredibly hungry. 2) IDK if the move to California will not shake my relationship with David. I just recently moved back home, as well as passing out year and a half relationship mark (straight, that is, to me its been 5 & 1/2 years) and moving with on of my bff's to Cali instead of college with him seems both a blessing and a curse. But Sky above if this isnt exactly what I've been wishing for; An excape, a chance to do things on my own for once, and not only in my favorite place in the world but with someone willing to go with me and that I love like family. This would be the best experience in the world to me; Im just afraid of leaving my love behind. Sky knows I love him, and that he loves me. But distance has always been an issue, especially not being able to see eachother. What would happen when I move away, and he goes on to college without me?

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Vintage photos - Pedigree

teusdays are the worst.

do you ever feel like your falling into a hole that you didnt ever see coming? like for one moment, you stand at the edge, and when you turn to take the next step, BAM! your down in a dark chasm, air rushing past you as you plummet into the unknown? ( a side note, I hate the word unknown. too many n's.) i just cant get over this cold, and its effecting my attitude and performance at school. Im tired all the time, I keep waking up late, and to add to the heap, my family is being, well, themselves. My only solace is that A] saturday is valentines, & B] my parents are leaving for a week that morning. However, I dont know how awkward the next week will be, living with my unstable uncle who, for his instability, has never had children of his own. Im afraid that next week will be hell, not just for me but for my sister as well. I dont know what he'll be like without my parents there, how I could possibly live with him after so long. Itll be strange. At least Ill be gone all day saturday. There's relief in that, at least.

two in one. i know, i know.

so. i just keep thinking about chapel today, and how our class just like, really opened up. It wasnt any of the girls, and it was only a hand full of people, but those people, they were the men in our class that really lead, the popular guys who everyone knows, you know? I just... I keep thinking about it. I guess, I didnt say anything, because Im really trying to not care. I feel like Im a drama queen sometimes, and that people see me as attention seeking,but Im really not. I just like to me involved, but not hog the spotlight, you know? I know David doesnt like to speak out, to feel "uncomfortable" or whatever by standing up and saying whats convicting him, and i understand that. Everyone is different. I just keep wanting to, you know, ask for help, but then Im like "No, you need to stop seeking attention, and not care so much." is that wrong? i really dont know. I keep wanting to send Andrew, Devin, Isaac, Nick, Tyler, or Brendon a message, either on facebook or whatever, just saying that I feel for them, and I love them as syblings in Christ. But then Im like, I dont really believe in Christ, so how could I say that? Should I believe in him? What has he ever done thats bettered me? I think Im Agnostic. I think that, I mean I know that I "believed" once. Whatever that really means. I just...I dunno. I dont want to be like, like part of their testamonies said today that they all went through harsh times, like where Im at now. But why did they come back? Who says theres something to come back to? I dont know. I think, sometimes, that I need to have serious Christ talks with my friends, and with David, but who am I to say that? Im worse than they are. So, I really dont know what the heck to do. I hate when people see me and are like "Oh, let me pray for you." Praying to me seems like pointless crap. It never works, and see, this is where Im just like, "K, dont want to believe in this." But I dunno...I keep sayind subconsciously, "Thank God for ______" you know? I dont . I just really dont know anymore.


but the more I think about it, the more i look at my past, and how i once felt the very hand of God with me, i think; That wasnt a delusion. The security I only got when I slept safe under knowing God loved me, that he wouldnt just get up and leave me and wasnt stuck with me, but chose me, made me special just for Him and His glory, i think ;Thats got to be it. That had to be faith. And thats where I need to get back to. Half the time, I think Mr. Crafts is a load of shit with a mouth, but I think, now that I really take in his words from the last few days, that he's right; God is on the move among us, and the Senior class is wakening.

Mmmmm

Take me where I've never been

Help me on my feet again

Show me that good things come to those who wait

Tell me I'm not on my own

Tell me I won't be alone

Tell me what I'm feeling isn't some mistake'

Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can

And it's you and no one else

If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end

If you asked me I would followBut for now

I'll just pretend'

Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Baby, when you look at me

Tell me what do you see

Are these the eyes of someone you could love?'

Cause everything that brought me here

Well, not it all seems so clear

Baby, you're the one that I've been dreaming of

If anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can

And it's you and no one else

If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end

If you asked me I would followBut for now

I'll just pretend'

Cause if anyone can make me fall in love

Only you can take me sailing in your deepest eyes

Bring me to my knees and make me cry

And no one's ever done this

Everything was just a lie and I know, yes,

I know

This is where it all begins

So tell me it will never end

I can't fool myself, it's you and no one else

If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end

If you asked me I would follow

But for now I'll just pretend

'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Show me that good things come to those who wait

some days are blessed.

So I think that David is beautiful, but Id never actually say that out loud to him. I think he thinks Im weird, since Im like, super obsessive about him. Like, ok, maybe "obsessive" is the wrong word, i guess im like a David-addict, lol. Is that love? mmm, i think it is:D lol. He just makes me happy, even when he's grumpy, he makes me laugh. Ha. I dunno, he just brightens my day. I have this thing on my myspace, that says, "You'll be my star, I'll be your sky. You can hide beneath me and come out at night. When I turn jet black and you show off your light; I live to let you shine." Its so true. I never cease to be amazed by him. Just today, I was sitting next to him in business principals, our arms together since we couldnt hold hands, and i layed my head down. I just looked at him, and i dont think he knew i was, but all i thought was : How lucky am I to be with him, and does he know just how amazing he really is? I dont think he realizes how much he's grown since Ive known him, how much of a man he is, and how superb that man is. I just....love him.

Ok, Ive been lately listening to a lot of David Archuleta, which is something I dont normally do. But I heard his song, To Be With You, and i dunno, David just popped into my head. Maybe, if your reading this, you might have someone in mind too. Heres the lyrics. I hope everyone has their own David.

"I've been alone so many nights now, And I've been waitin' for the stars to fall.I keep holdin' out for what I don't knowTo be with you, just to be with you.So here I am staring at the moon tonight, Wondering how you look in this light.Maybe you're somewhere thinkin' about me too.To be with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do.And I can't imagine two worlds spinnin' apartCome together eventually.And when we finally meet, I'll know it's right.I'll be at the end of my restless road.But this journey, it was worth the fight.To be with you, just to be...Holding you for the very first time, never letting go.What I wouldn't give to feel that way... Ooohh...Oh, to be with you...Oh, and I can't imagine two worlds spinnin' apartCome together eventually.And when you're standin' here in front of me, That's when I know that God does exist.'Cause He will have answered every single prayer.To be with you, just to be with you, yeah. You...."

dont believe your on the right path just because its well beaten...

I.Hate.Being.Sick.

So I've recently felt the push to "plan for the future" and its not just these past few days of the second semester, but like, the last six months, just wondering where ill be and what ill be doing this time next year. Hopefully, Ill still be with David, since we've managed not to get too sick of eachother these last few years, but Im keeping it light and friendly since I really dont know what he's doing in his head about "us". And like, I hope to be well on my way to being financially independent, possibly owning a small studio flat with a dog or cat of my own.

Today, Carly and I looked up the worlds smallest lemurs in English. They are SO cute:D They're about the size of half my pointer finger, which just blows my mind that something like a monkey can function being that small. And we looked at Flemish Rabbits again, which are the worlds largest docile rabbits. I wonder why they dont live in the wild anymore, but since they're 3 ft or more long, they're either easy prey or too much of a population hazard to be in the wild anymore. Yeah, screw English, look up insanely sized animals.

I really dont see whats wrong with the Amy song by Britney Spears. I really like it. Its kinda...dark, but awesome. I love the chorus. Anyways, more of my music obsessed ramblings is something Im not eager to put out, lol, lest someone know how really insane I am, lol. I laugh to much.

white blood cells.

So, Im officially sick for the first time this year. And. It officially sucks. I hate being sick, hate having my throat shot and sounding like hell, having my nose running (yes, the awful truth) and having a pounding headache. And, whats worse is David wont even come over and share getting better (since we're both sick from Valerie) and, just an extra bonus, its superbowl sunday, and we have people over who are super loud. lalalalala. i keep forgetting about this place for blogging. i need to stick with it.

So Im in my room, eating a breadstick. I wish I was better. But Im not. Mercy has me in its hand though, and I dont have to go to school tomorrow. Unfortunatly, it means Im missing a day with David, which equals suckyness. Whatever. I need sleep.